Happy Phan

Happy Phan
Originally uploaded by Butch Wynegar.

The Marlins' mascot is a fish. The Orioles' mascot is an oriole. Most mascots have something to do with their team. But what's the Phanatic? Some tubby green alien - what does that have to do with Philadelphia? As I was watching him, though, I figured it out.

Before the game, the Phanatic got in the faces of stretching Brewers players, and started doing one-armed pushups in front of them. When he got up, he did a little limp-wristed, skirt-twirling dance, and pointed at them. When he came to our section, as you see here, he first nearly molested a cutie a few rows over, grabbing her and repeatedly sticking out his Phanatic fake-tongue at her. Then he grabbed a couple of beers from a passing beer man, shook them up, covered the beer man's eyes and shoved them back into his cooler, ensuring a drenching for some poor fan.

That's when it hit me: the Phanatic is a total prick. What other city had a branch of the District Court in the stadium's basement (as the Vet had) to quickly process drunk & disorderlies? What other fans are so quick to boo and throw stuff onto the field? If they only gave the fanatic a blond mullet and a scraggly, Prefontaine mustache, he'd be perfect.

--JF